I wanted to talk to you about grace today. I’ve recently come up with some New Years resolutions (meditate daily, restrict alcohol, lose weight) and had shared them with my friend, who responded “I think you’ve chosen well… just make sure you give yourself grace if you stumble along the way”.
She later shared her own resolutions, one of which was to give herself grace as she struggles to keep up with her busy schedule of work, school and volunteer commitments. So when she stumbles, she wants to simply accept that she’s doing her best. What an interesting thought.
Sure enough, I wasn’t more than two days into my resolutions before I slipped up. But instead of getting upset or giving up as I have in the past, I simply accepted it and got right back on track. As the week wore on I slipped up a few times, some chocolate here, a glass of wine there, but again rather than getting upset or giving up, I simply accepted it each time as part of the process and got right back on track. By the end of the week I’d had far more successes than failures.
Could it be I’d found the secret to success? Might it be that giving yourself grace is integral to the process?
But what is grace and how do you give it to yourself? Grace is a kindness, courtesy or clemency. When you give yourself grace, you give yourself permission to forgive your mistakes and lapses in judgment, because no one is perfect. It’s a way to let go of self-criticism and shame.
But if you let go of shame and self-criticism, what will keep you in line? Ah ha! This is the crux of the issue. Letting go of self-criticism and shame is powerful and effective because it’s so much more than simply putting yourself at ease. (If you stopped there it would be apathy). Instead it should prompt some form of ACTION, be it taking steps to repair a damaged relationship or some form of self-care. We do need to DO something.
Which makes me think of all the online debate over body acceptance. While there are always a few extremists who go too far in either direction, I see those who accept and love their large or small bodies, those who refuse to hide themselves away, as giving themselves grace. No longer bound by self-criticism and shame, they’re free to move forward in their lives; whether that means celebrating their body as is or taking steps to become fitter and stronger. They are no longer immobilized.
But what concrete steps can we take to give ourselves grace? We can start by noticing when we’re being self-critical and feeling shame. We can acknowledge it for what it is. It’s simply a signal.
Next, we need to take a few minutes to do some deep breathing, or better yet follow a guided meditation, to calm our body and mind. Slowly breathing in through our nose for a count of five (inflating our abdomen) and out through our mouth for a count of five (deflating our abdomen), we can feel our body begin to relax a little. We can feel ourselves move towards an equanimity, a calmness and composure, an openness, softness and love; all qualities that allow emotions to come and go, without push or pull, they simply flow through us.
We accept what we feel, we give ourselves grace and we imagine what we want in our lives going forward. Day after day we take small steps in that direction, giving ourselves grace whenever we stumble.
Because if we can give ourselves grace, if we can meet our self-criticism and shame with acceptance and DO something to move ourselves in the right direction; we can see that it’s possible to act differently in the future.
In that sense, consider giving yourself grace a step toward making different choices.
Why not give yourself grace?